Saturday, October 6, 2012

Getting back on track

So, it's been FOREVER since my last update.  A lot has happened.  I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl back in July.  She is absolutely perfect and I feel like our family is complete.  Not that my hubby and my boys were not enough, I just always knew in the back of my mind that we would end up having a 3rd child.  And now, I just have to say that I really do feel like we are a finished family now. It's funny how I was missing my baby girl before she was ever even conceived, does that make sense?  Check out this gorgeous baby...I mean seriously, she is PERFECT!

Anyway, so now I have this post baby body....again.  I struggled the last two times I had a post baby body and this time around is proving to be no different.  My baby girl is almost 3 months old and I"m at my lowest weight postpartum that I've ever been this soon after birth, however I'm struggling.  I have been tracking what I eat via since week 4 postpartum.  I'm trying not to put so much emphasis on my weight.  After all, I know I'm not a number on the scale, and yet here I am worrying about that stupid number.  I also know 5 other women who had their babies within a month of me and I'm having trouble not comparing myself to them.  I have noticed in the past two weeks I've been over eating again.  Not necessarily over eating as much as complete binge eating.  I have not purged (thank goodness) but I know if I keep going down this road, it won't be long.  And I definitely do not want to go there again.  

I'm writing this post to keep myself accountable and honest.  I don't want anyone to think I'm needing attention, b/c I don't, but if I don't share my struggle I will end up in that dark hole once again and that is a place I do not want to go.  Honestly, right now I'm on the edge, balancing on one leg.  I was really hoping that this wouldn't be a struggle this time around.  I guess it is what it is and I need to face it head on, but I need your help.  Please pray for me.  Pray that I accept myself again first and foremost.  That it he most important part of all this.  That I stop being so hard on my looks/body and remember that I am God's creation and he loves me no matter what.  Secondly, pray that I gain control of my eating, especially before it gets to where I have to purge.  Thank you all again for your support and prayers.

On a side note, I have been asked to present a class at my church's annual Women's Day of Renewal in March.  I will be talking to a group of ladies that choose my class about my eating disorder.  Please pray for me about that as well. :)  

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Six Months Pregnant and moving forward!

So, I'm 6 months pregnant now with my sweet baby girl.  I have gained 17 pounds, which sounds like a lot, but compared to my two previous pregnancies, I'm doing well.  I always said if I got pregnant again I would eat better, work out more and take better care of myself.  I'm doing the best I can.  I am eating MUCH better than I did with my boys.  I have made it my goal to eat at least 4 servings of fruits/veggies combined and so far I've done fairly well.  I realize 4 servings is nowhere near what I should be eating of those, but trust me, this is HUGE for me.  I'm not working out as much as I want, but I'm trying.  I wanted to continue running, but with morning sickness and other issues, I haven't been able to.  I am really looking forward to running again after baby girl arrives though, I miss it so much! 

Right now at this point I am feeling really good about myself.  With my boys I got big EVERYWHERE and with this pregnancy I've expanded a bit, but mostly just have a huge ball out in front.  So, I'm enjoying that and just doing the best I can to take care of myself and baby girl.  My blood pressure has been good and there are no signs of preeclampsia as of right now.  I have reached the 24 week mark, which means if we would have to deliver her soon she would have a good chance of survival (with lots of machine and NICU help).  I certainly don't want to have her this early, but I can relax a bit more knowing she at least will have a chance.  My goal is to make it to 36 weeks, and hopefully have no extra hospital time for either of us.  But, who knows what will happen.  Preeclampsia set in with my last son around week 29 and I had no other symptoms before that.  So, I will continue to pray and just go with the flow, because I can't do anything else!

Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.  I am still a bit worried about losing the weight after I have her, because that is where I got myself into trouble with my previous pregnancies.  But I know that this time around will be different because I have support from friends and family.  Until next time....

24 Weeks pregnant!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

What is the media's problem?!

First, an update.  So, I'm 22.5 weeks pregnant now.  :)  Over halfway there.  My belly is growing, as well as other places I won't mention.  I'm doing well, baby GIRL (that's right, *buys all the pink because I can*) is doing great and we're trucking along.  I feel her kicking, squirming, pushing and prodding everyday.  It's such an amazing feeling and I am so blessed and thankful that I get this opportunity o feel a LIFE growing inside me.  I won't lie.  I have been freaking out a bit about the 15 lbs I have gained so far and am already worried about the "after" part when I have no baby in my belly, just the extra weight.  But, right now I am focusing on what a little miracle our sweet baby girl is and enjoying this pregnancy and reminding myself that I'm going to gain weight, and it's okay!  Here I am at 22.5 weeks pregnant...

Now you have the update on to my rant.  Today I saw something that really got me fuming.  Via twitter, I saw this link  It is the magazine cover of Jessica Simpson, posing nude while 7 or 8 months pregnant.  There is a cardboard sign over the picture saying, Do not Remove.  
*deep breath* I am really hoping this blog comes across the way I want it to and not as some hormonal pregnant woman ranting.... here goes;

Here is my problem with that.  Why in the world are my husband, my boys, and myself subjected to pictures of girls running around in barely there bikinis everywhere we turn, or barely fuzzed out pictures of private areas via magazines, commercials, books, etc, yet THIS is the magazine they decide to cover up?  I realize she is nude (tho all you see is side breast), which come on, I have seen (not intentionally) a lot of celebrity side breast or crack just in the store or on the beach, or wherever I go, but that is never covered. 

I am not saying women should/shouldn't pose nude on any covers, at anytime, that is their choice, not mine.  However, I try to desperately to keep my boys attention elsewhere while we are in line at the store.  I just feel like they chose to cover this up because she is not some skinny minnie size 0 model showing off her "goods".  I mean come on, who wants to see a pregnant lady posing in the nude?  Gross... (right? I mean it appears as though that is what they are trying to get across).  Instead of "Look at this amazing woman who is growing another human being inside of her, isn't she beautiful?!".  No, it's apparently shameful for Jessica Simpson to want to show off her gorgeous pregnant body.  And wait a minute, I know she is not the first celebrity to do this...where were all the cardboard cover ups then?  I remember being 6 or 7 years old and seeing Demi Moore's pregnant naked body on a magazine cover in my local grocery store, and um, it wasn't covered up by anything, but was right there in front of the check out lane.  

I just cannot stand the double standard.  So, apparently it's okay to show off your naked body as long as people can find you attractive, but not okay if you're pregnant or even over weight?  *Screams*  I don't speak out about this too often, but this is it.  Seriously.  I have my own issues with my own body image (as most of you already know), and this kind of stuff doesn't help me at all, especially since I'm pregnant right now!  I have days where I love my pregnant body, and days where I want to cry, but you know what, I think that's normal.  I'm choosing to focus on this incredible baby inside me, whom I cannot wait to meet, and just being as healthy as I can.  And if Jessica Simpson wants to eat a freaking buttered pop tart, then she can have a buttered pop tart!  Leave the girl alone!  And not that she would ever read this, but I just wanted to say- Jessica Simpson, I think you look absolutely gorgeous and I am so proud of you for stepping out and being proud of your pregnant body.  And for embracing the fact that you are not just a size 2 with a basketball for a belly (and that's fine, too!), but that you are pregnant, and yes you've gained weight, but you are SUPPOSED to!  Gah, why are we always hearing about how much weight a celebrity gained during their pregnancy and how quickly they lost it after losing the baby.  I sincerely hope the media leaves her alone and lets her enjoy the rest of her pregnancy and allows her to enjoy this precious new life God has given to her!  

Here are a couple more links to sites that are just being ridiculous.  Just because a woman only gains 25 lbs during pregnancy, doesn't mean she's being healthy! Come on people...and when did people become so concerned about how much weight celebrities gain during pregnancy? 

Hopefully that all came across as I wanted it to.  Bottom line, if you're going to cover up one magazine cover, at least cover THEM ALL!!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

2nd Trimester

Well, here I am. 13 1/2 weeks pregnant now.  I have been sick.  I was not sick with my first pregnancy, sick for a few weeks with my second, and now I've been sick for 2 months straight with this one.  I am nauseous constantly.  It's not fun.  Worth it, but not fun.  When I first found out I was pregnant I set out to be healthy by working out consistently and eating healthy.  Um...yeah, that hasn't happened.  Nothing sounds good to eat, so I end up eating whatever sounds good, whether that's a salad or a Jimmy John's sandwich.  I haven't gained a whole lot of weight so far, about 4 pounds, but boy do I ever look like I've gained weight.  I guess the third time around you just get bigger faster.  By 8 weeks I could not wear my regular pants anymore, so I became very close with my yoga pants. ;)  This is upsetting me more than I thought it would.  I had imagined myself being tiny this time around (something I wasn't with my 2 previous pregnancies) and that is just not happening.  So, I've been a bit down about it.  I'm trying to stay up beat and remind myself that there is a tiny human growing inside me (I mean....whoa) and just keep telling myself I will gain weight.  I have been having a hard time with comparing myself to others because I have a few friends who are all due around the same time as me and they are so tiny.  This is something I just cannot allow myself to do.  I need to put a stop this time immediately because comparing myself to others is only going to lead me down a path I don't want to go down.  

I'm hoping to start feeling better soon, meaning that I can get out and exercise and eat a little bit better and in turn feel better about myself.  I just do not want to end up overeating/purging after this baby comes.  My goal is just to be as healthy as I can and stick with it.  I will not give up, I will not go back to bad habits and if I end up being a size or two bigger after this baby I need to be okay with that.  After all, my size/weight is NOT what matters!  This beautiful amazing life that God has given me is what matters and I want to do everything in my power to treat it as so (my life and my children's lives).  So, here goes!  

Here is a picture of me at 12.5 weeks pregnant.  I'm getting pretty round.  

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A blessing

So, for the past few weeks I have been wanting to post, but I couldn't.  I could not post without sharing the AMAZING news I found out 3 weeks ago, so I waited.  Here is what happened;

I have been doing so well with my eating.  I've been keeping track of my calories and doing my best to eat healthier.  I'm not a big veggie fan and lately fruit doesn't really do it for me either, but I'm trying.  So, without going into too much detail and grossing you all out, one day I woke up and realized "Um...I might be pregnant!".  So, I waited a few days and then bought a test.  Instantly it turned positive.  And when I saw that positve sign, I just started giggling.  Let me back up a minute here. 
Ever since I was younger I have always wanted 2 boys and then 1 girl.  I am the oldest in my family and always dreamed of having older brothers.  You all know I have been blessed by 2 amazing little boys.  Gah, they are the bestest.  They are sweet, kind, loving, funny, and a complete joy to those around them.  I had preeclampsia with my 2nd son and was put on hospital bedrest at 31 weeks.  It was an incredibly emotional and scary time for my little family, but thankfully Owen was born healthy at 34 weeks.  He was just teeny tiny, as in 4 lbs tiny.  My husband and I decided that we were happy with our boys and probably shouldn't push having another since I have a higher chance of getting preeclampsia again.  However, in the back of my mind the desire to have one more child has been nagging at me.  Fast forward 4 years....

Here I sit, 7.5 weeks pregnant, feeling incredibly blessed and completely freaked out.  For multiple reasons.  1) I am terrified of getting sick again and having a preemie.  2) I feel like we are starting over.  Aidan will be almost 7 and Owen almost 5 when this baby is born.  However, I realize they will be fantastic little helpers!  3) as with most additions to a family I stress about where we will find the room for this baby, how we will afford this baby, etc.  And lastly, I worry about becoming obsessed with my weight and diving back into overeating/purging.  After all, the past times I've gone through that was after my 2 previous pregnancies.  

Yesterday I had the honor of actually getting to see my little raspberry sized baby via ultrasound.  It was just a quick one to make sure there was only 1 baby (there is) and to make sure the heart was beating.  Unfortunately I was unable to get any pics of the baby right now.  The ultrasound made me cry.  Seeing this amazing gift God created growing inside me was just incredible.  When I saw the little heart just a beating away I immediately thanked God.  What a miracle!

So, here is what I have decided.  I will track what I eat and do my best to eat as healthy as I can and continue to exercise.  Hopefully this will prevent me from having high blood pressure and preeclampsia again, as well as keep me from gaining too much weight this time around.  However, I am pregnant.  I need to gain weight.  I'm not overweight, so I really need to gain and I need to remind myself that I'm supposed to.  I want to enjoy this pregnancy and give this baby everything I can, but it scares me so much.  I want to keep myself in check, however still enjoying this pregnancy.  If you could all pray for me and this baby, then I would greatly appreciate it.

We are so excited and thankful!  Only time will tell what is going to happen and when this baby will actually be born, but I know with your support I can get through this.  I will continue to do my best to blog on here and keep you all updated.  Thank you so much for your support!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

So...what caused this?

So, lately I have been trying to figure out what has caused me to do this to myself?  Why do I think this way?  Honestly, I do not know.  I do not remember having poor self esteem early in life, and when I did have poor self esteem, I think it was just the "normal" kind for my age.  I've never been very outgoing, but I've always had friends.  And most of those friends have been my best-est friends since grade school.  I do, however, remember from an early age learning how men objectify women.  When my entire family would gather together to watch a football game, the men would ogle and "aahhhh" over the commercials filled with scantily clad skinny "sexy" women.  I remember it making me mad because their wives were obviously hurt by their husband behaving this way.  I remember saying to myself "my husband will NEVER do that....".  It made me feel like in order for a man to be attracted to you, you had to be ultra skinny, be toned, and wear hardly any clothing.  I mean come on, what does society and television tell us today?  That in order to be sexy and be beautiful, you have to be a size 2 (and no bigger!) and wear tight, revealing clothes and wear sexy undergarments all the time and give in to your man when he wants you.  Objectify yourself and make your man happy, because that's what we're here for.  So, I realize now that this has something to do with how I treat myself, but I'm not fully blaming that. And I also realize that men sometimes can't help it because these types of ads are EVERYWHERE.  I try to protect my husband and my boys, but you can't 100% of the time.  It sickens me when I hear 10 year old boys talking about how 'hot' or 'sexy' someone is...are you kidding me?  I hope to teach my boys that women are not to be objectified, but honored.  I pray that I can do this for them.  I also realize this is not the only thing that has made me as I am today, there are plenty of women out there who see the same images and are completely grounded with who they are and love themselves for who they are.  So, I think it also goes back to my low self esteem right now.  I have a lazy eye.  I've had it since I was born.  I had surgery on it when I was an infant, had to wear an eye patch through early elementary school (and amazingly I was not teased), and it is now back full force.  I have also been through therapy for it (eye therapy that is) and I just have to accept that I will always have one eye that veers off in it's own little world.  I am completely and horrifically self conscious about it.  I hate it when people don't know if I'm talking to them, even though I don't blame them.  I have often said to myself "you could be really pretty if you just didn't have that lazy eye...."  This type of talk is negative and I need to stay away from it.  For one thing, I cannot control my lazy eye (literally).  I was born with it and just need to accept it.  No one ever makes fun of me for it, however sometimes people look at me weird (and amazingly it's mostly adults in the store) and I just want to lash out at them.  But then I put myself in their shoes and realize they probably think I'm staring at them, when in fact I am not.  *sigh*  So, I try not to let it bother me, but it does.  In pictures I always have to be standing a certain way because then my eye is less's pretty ridiculous.  Anyway, that is the biggest thing that bothers me about my looks, in all honesty.  I just feel like it's unfair sometimes, but then I remind myself that I can still SEE out of that eye, that I am not blind, and then I remind myself of all the other blessings I have in my life and remind myself to be thankful, and not disgruntled.  Moving along, I have also realized that in Hollywood not only are women objectified, but it is a race and huge accomplishment to see who can lose the most weight, especially after having a baby.  Instead of appreciating our bodies and being thankful for what they have just accomplished, we beat them and get angry because we are still "fat" or want to lose all the pregnancy weight.  I have had 2 children (as you already know) and just need to accept the fact that I will never have the same body back.  My body grew two children...I mean seriously.  How amazing is that?  How wonderful that my body helped nourish, grow and bring two beautiful sweet boys into this world. Instead of being proud of myself, I beat my body, I say horrible things about it, I lash out at it, I make it purge, I eat too much, I eat unhealthy foods, I work it HARDer than I should.  I complain about the stretch marks, the wider hips, the bigger booty, the wider waist, the "mommy" belly...when in fact I should be thanking God for giving me the honor of being a mom and having children.  I know quite a few mommies and I always hear them say "I can't wait to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans, and I need to lose this weight, and as soon as I have this baby I need to eat better..."  And while I think some of that is okay, it's just not what we should focus on.  It can lead to bad bad places, I know, I've been there.  And I'm still trying to dig myself out of this hole I've created for my life.  Right now what I mainly want to focus on is why I want to eat all the time.  My body is not craving the food, it's my mind.  It's the feeling I get when I eat, and especially when I eat fatty or sugary foods.  I want to focus on killing that need, that addiction and just focus on feeding my body healthy, and sometimes having special "treats".   It's not easy, I don't think it's really easy for anyone.  But I also need to remember that if I give in and have a special treat, not to dwell on it and feel horrible about myself.  I need to move on and forget about it.    Okay....I think I'll leave this be for now.  There is so much more I want to say, but it can wait.  On to week #2!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why do I do this to myself?

As most of you know, I am recovering from overeating/purging. I have been purge free for over a year, but the overeating is not going away...AT ALL. I realize that I need to figure out why I eat this way, and why I feel compelled to continue eating this way, so I thought I'd start my own recovery blog. I will be blogging hopefully a couple times a week, just jotting down some thoughts, maybe some meal plans, and hopefully this will help me take better care of myself. For those of you who have not heard my story, here it is; I have always been "average". I am 5'8" and have always been a size 8 or 10. Good grief, I cannot believe I just shared that. I refuse to share my weight, because I am doing my best not to focus on that. :) Before my wedding, I lost 20 pounds and was down to a size 4/5...yeah. I lost the weight the "right" way by exercising and eating better. It took me over a year to achieve this. Here is me and the Hubs on our wedding day!
However, 5 months after I married my high school sweetheart, I found out I was pregnant! While pregnant with my first son, I gained 50 pounds. I ate and ate and ate, having no idea the weight wouldn't magically come off after I had my son. There was no reason for me to gain 50 pounds.  Here's a pic...yep.  Look at that.  I went way overbored!
So when my son was 8 months old and I was struggling to lose the last 10 pounds, I started something I never thought I would do. After overeating, I would make myself purge (throw up). I found it so hard to get back into the routine of not eating so much. After all I had been used to eating as much and whatever I wanted while pregnant. I felt lost. Feeling completely out of control of your own body is an awful place to be. The thing is, I looked great. I had a bit of a baby belly, but good grief, I had just given birth 8 months before! I was just too self-conscious that I freaked out. Here is me and my little man on my first Mother's Day.  See?  I was pretty much back to being my old self, yet I still freaked out....*sigh*
I needed to see that pre-baby weight number on the scale. I found out I was pregnant again soon after my first son turned 1.  So, eating wasn't an issue anymore because I was pregnant again.  I will say that I tried to be more mindful the second time around and only gained 30 lbs!  Much better this time around....

However, shortly after second son was born and the weight was not falling off nearly as fast as after my first son, I found myself purging again.  I went to a counselor and she told me I did not have an eating disorder and just needed to eat better.  So, she put me on a diet.  Um...yea.  I may not have had anorexia or bulimia, but I definitely had some issues going on with eating.  Now overeating and binge eating are considered eating disorders, so I know I'm not crazy.  Fast forward a few years and I have yet to see that number on the scale. I still struggle with overeating and I'm ashamed of this, and I'm working on getting past it. I'm trying to see myself as a beautiful woman, no matter what size I am. I know we’re not all made the same, and I will never be a size 2, nor do I want to be. I want to find the beauty in ME, not base my beauty on a number or a size.  Here is a recent picture of me and my precious boys this summer.  We were in my brother in law's wedding, how fun!

I need to embrace myself, know that I am a Child of God first and foremost, and see myself through his eyes.  After all, God created me, flaws and all.  Thanks for reading and here's to a better acceptance of myself!  Until next time.....