So...what caused this?

So, lately I have been trying to figure out what has caused me to do this to myself?  Why do I think this way?  Honestly, I do not know.  I do not remember having poor self esteem early in life, and when I did have poor self esteem, I think it was just the "normal" kind for my age.  I've never been very outgoing, but I've always had friends.  And most of those friends have been my best-est friends since grade school.  I do, however, remember from an early age learning how men objectify women.  When my entire family would gather together to watch a football game, the men would ogle and "aahhhh" over the commercials filled with scantily clad skinny "sexy" women.  I remember it making me mad because their wives were obviously hurt by their husband behaving this way.  I remember saying to myself "my husband will NEVER do that....".  It made me feel like in order for a man to be attracted to you, you had to be ultra skinny, be toned, and wear hardly any clothing.  I mean come on, what does society and television tell us today?  That in order to be sexy and be beautiful, you have to be a size 2 (and no bigger!) and wear tight, revealing clothes and wear sexy undergarments all the time and give in to your man when he wants you.  Objectify yourself and make your man happy, because that's what we're here for.  UM....no.  So, I realize now that this has something to do with how I treat myself, but I'm not fully blaming that. And I also realize that men sometimes can't help it because these types of ads are EVERYWHERE.  I try to protect my husband and my boys, but you can't 100% of the time.  It sickens me when I hear 10 year old boys talking about how 'hot' or 'sexy' someone is...are you kidding me?  I hope to teach my boys that women are not to be objectified, but honored.  I pray that I can do this for them.  I also realize this is not the only thing that has made me as I am today, there are plenty of women out there who see the same images and are completely grounded with who they are and love themselves for who they are.  So, I think it also goes back to my low self esteem right now.  I have a lazy eye.  I've had it since I was born.  I had surgery on it when I was an infant, had to wear an eye patch through early elementary school (and amazingly I was not teased), and it is now back full force.  I have also been through therapy for it (eye therapy that is) and I just have to accept that I will always have one eye that veers off in it's own little world.  I am completely and horrifically self conscious about it.  I hate it when people don't know if I'm talking to them, even though I don't blame them.  I have often said to myself "you could be really pretty if you just didn't have that lazy eye...."  This type of talk is negative and I need to stay away from it.  For one thing, I cannot control my lazy eye (literally).  I was born with it and just need to accept it.  No one ever makes fun of me for it, however sometimes people look at me weird (and amazingly it's mostly adults in the store) and I just want to lash out at them.  But then I put myself in their shoes and realize they probably think I'm staring at them, when in fact I am not.  *sigh*  So, I try not to let it bother me, but it does.  In pictures I always have to be standing a certain way because then my eye is less obvious...it's pretty ridiculous.  Anyway, that is the biggest thing that bothers me about my looks, in all honesty.  I just feel like it's unfair sometimes, but then I remind myself that I can still SEE out of that eye, that I am not blind, and then I remind myself of all the other blessings I have in my life and remind myself to be thankful, and not disgruntled.  Moving along, I have also realized that in Hollywood not only are women objectified, but it is a race and huge accomplishment to see who can lose the most weight, especially after having a baby.  Instead of appreciating our bodies and being thankful for what they have just accomplished, we beat them and get angry because we are still "fat" or want to lose all the pregnancy weight.  I have had 2 children (as you already know) and just need to accept the fact that I will never have the same body back.  My body grew two children...I mean seriously.  How amazing is that?  How wonderful that my body helped nourish, grow and bring two beautiful sweet boys into this world. Instead of being proud of myself, I beat my body, I say horrible things about it, I lash out at it, I make it purge, I eat too much, I eat unhealthy foods, I work it HARDer than I should.  I complain about the stretch marks, the wider hips, the bigger booty, the wider waist, the "mommy" belly...when in fact I should be thanking God for giving me the honor of being a mom and having children.  I know quite a few mommies and I always hear them say "I can't wait to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans, and I need to lose this weight, and as soon as I have this baby I need to eat better..."  And while I think some of that is okay, it's just not what we should focus on.  It can lead to bad bad places, I know, I've been there.  And I'm still trying to dig myself out of this hole I've created for my life.  Right now what I mainly want to focus on is why I want to eat all the time.  My body is not craving the food, it's my mind.  It's the feeling I get when I eat, and especially when I eat fatty or sugary foods.  I want to focus on killing that need, that addiction and just focus on feeding my body healthy, and sometimes having special "treats".   It's not easy, I don't think it's really easy for anyone.  But I also need to remember that if I give in and have a special treat, not to dwell on it and feel horrible about myself.  I need to move on and forget about it.    Okay....I think I'll leave this be for now.  There is so much more I want to say, but it can wait.  On to week #2!

Why do I do this to myself?

As most of you know, I am recovering from overeating/purging. I have been purge free for over a year, but the overeating is not going away...AT ALL. I realize that I need to figure out why I eat this way, and why I feel compelled to continue eating this way, so I thought I'd start my own recovery blog. I will be blogging hopefully a couple times a week, just jotting down some thoughts, maybe some meal plans, and hopefully this will help me take better care of myself. For those of you who have not heard my story, here it is; I have always been "average". I am 5'8" and have always been a size 8 or 10. Good grief, I cannot believe I just shared that. I refuse to share my weight, because I am doing my best not to focus on that. :) Before my wedding, I lost 20 pounds and was down to a size 4/5...yeah. I lost the weight the "right" way by exercising and eating better. It took me over a year to achieve this. Here is me and the Hubs on our wedding day!

However, 5 months after I married my high school sweetheart, I found out I was pregnant! While pregnant with my first son, I gained 50 pounds. I ate and ate and ate, having no idea the weight wouldn't magically come off after I had my son. There was no reason for me to gain 50 pounds.  Here's a pic...yep.  Look at that.  I went way overbored!

So when my son was 8 months old and I was struggling to lose the last 10 pounds, I started something I never thought I would do. After overeating, I would make myself purge (throw up). I found it so hard to get back into the routine of not eating so much. After all I had been used to eating as much and whatever I wanted while pregnant. I felt lost. Feeling completely out of control of your own body is an awful place to be. The thing is, I looked great. I had a bit of a baby belly, but good grief, I had just given birth 8 months before! I was just too self-conscious that I freaked out. Here is me and my little man on my first Mother's Day.  See?  I was pretty much back to being my old self, yet I still freaked out....*sigh*

I needed to see that pre-baby weight number on the scale. I found out I was pregnant again soon after my first son turned 1.  So, eating wasn't an issue anymore because I was pregnant again.  I will say that I tried to be more mindful the second time around and only gained 30 lbs!  Much better this time around....

However, shortly after second son was born and the weight was not falling off nearly as fast as after my first son, I found myself purging again.  I went to a counselor and she told me I did not have an eating disorder and just needed to eat better.  So, she put me on a diet.  Um...yea.  I may not have had anorexia or bulimia, but I definitely had some issues going on with eating.  Now overeating and binge eating are considered eating disorders, so I know I'm not crazy.  Fast forward a few years and I have yet to see that number on the scale. I still struggle with overeating and I'm ashamed of this, and I'm working on getting past it. I'm trying to see myself as a beautiful woman, no matter what size I am. I know we’re not all made the same, and I will never be a size 2, nor do I want to be. I want to find the beauty in ME, not base my beauty on a number or a size.  Here is a recent picture of me and my precious boys this summer.  We were in my brother in law's wedding, how fun!

I need to embrace myself, know that I am a Child of God first and foremost, and see myself through his eyes.  After all, God created me, flaws and all.  Thanks for reading and here's to a better acceptance of myself!  Until next time.....