Tuesday, November 15, 2011
So...what caused this?
So, lately I have been trying to figure out what has caused me to do this to myself? Why do I think this way? Honestly, I do not know. I do not remember having poor self esteem early in life, and when I did have poor self esteem, I think it was just the "normal" kind for my age. I've never been very outgoing, but I've always had friends. And most of those friends have been my best-est friends since grade school. I do, however, remember from an early age learning how men objectify women. When my entire family would gather together to watch a football game, the men would ogle and "aahhhh" over the commercials filled with scantily clad skinny "sexy" women. I remember it making me mad because their wives were obviously hurt by their husband behaving this way. I remember saying to myself "my husband will NEVER do that....". It made me feel like in order for a man to be attracted to you, you had to be ultra skinny, be toned, and wear hardly any clothing. I mean come on, what does society and television tell us today? That in order to be sexy and be beautiful, you have to be a size 2 (and no bigger!) and wear tight, revealing clothes and wear sexy undergarments all the time and give in to your man when he wants you. Objectify yourself and make your man happy, because that's what we're here for. UM....no. So, I realize now that this has something to do with how I treat myself, but I'm not fully blaming that. And I also realize that men sometimes can't help it because these types of ads are EVERYWHERE. I try to protect my husband and my boys, but you can't 100% of the time. It sickens me when I hear 10 year old boys talking about how 'hot' or 'sexy' someone is...are you kidding me? I hope to teach my boys that women are not to be objectified, but honored. I pray that I can do this for them. I also realize this is not the only thing that has made me as I am today, there are plenty of women out there who see the same images and are completely grounded with who they are and love themselves for who they are. So, I think it also goes back to my low self esteem right now. I have a lazy eye. I've had it since I was born. I had surgery on it when I was an infant, had to wear an eye patch through early elementary school (and amazingly I was not teased), and it is now back full force. I have also been through therapy for it (eye therapy that is) and I just have to accept that I will always have one eye that veers off in it's own little world. I am completely and horrifically self conscious about it. I hate it when people don't know if I'm talking to them, even though I don't blame them. I have often said to myself "you could be really pretty if you just didn't have that lazy eye...." This type of talk is negative and I need to stay away from it. For one thing, I cannot control my lazy eye (literally). I was born with it and just need to accept it. No one ever makes fun of me for it, however sometimes people look at me weird (and amazingly it's mostly adults in the store) and I just want to lash out at them. But then I put myself in their shoes and realize they probably think I'm staring at them, when in fact I am not. *sigh* So, I try not to let it bother me, but it does. In pictures I always have to be standing a certain way because then my eye is less obvious...it's pretty ridiculous. Anyway, that is the biggest thing that bothers me about my looks, in all honesty. I just feel like it's unfair sometimes, but then I remind myself that I can still SEE out of that eye, that I am not blind, and then I remind myself of all the other blessings I have in my life and remind myself to be thankful, and not disgruntled. Moving along, I have also realized that in Hollywood not only are women objectified, but it is a race and huge accomplishment to see who can lose the most weight, especially after having a baby. Instead of appreciating our bodies and being thankful for what they have just accomplished, we beat them and get angry because we are still "fat" or want to lose all the pregnancy weight. I have had 2 children (as you already know) and just need to accept the fact that I will never have the same body back. My body grew two children...I mean seriously. How amazing is that? How wonderful that my body helped nourish, grow and bring two beautiful sweet boys into this world. Instead of being proud of myself, I beat my body, I say horrible things about it, I lash out at it, I make it purge, I eat too much, I eat unhealthy foods, I work it HARDer than I should. I complain about the stretch marks, the wider hips, the bigger booty, the wider waist, the "mommy" belly...when in fact I should be thanking God for giving me the honor of being a mom and having children. I know quite a few mommies and I always hear them say "I can't wait to get back into my pre-pregnancy jeans, and I need to lose this weight, and as soon as I have this baby I need to eat better..." And while I think some of that is okay, it's just not what we should focus on. It can lead to bad bad places, I know, I've been there. And I'm still trying to dig myself out of this hole I've created for my life. Right now what I mainly want to focus on is why I want to eat all the time. My body is not craving the food, it's my mind. It's the feeling I get when I eat, and especially when I eat fatty or sugary foods. I want to focus on killing that need, that addiction and just focus on feeding my body healthy, and sometimes having special "treats". It's not easy, I don't think it's really easy for anyone. But I also need to remember that if I give in and have a special treat, not to dwell on it and feel horrible about myself. I need to move on and forget about it. Okay....I think I'll leave this be for now. There is so much more I want to say, but it can wait. On to week #2!