Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Why do I do this to myself?

As most of you know, I am recovering from overeating/purging. I have been purge free for over a year, but the overeating is not going away...AT ALL. I realize that I need to figure out why I eat this way, and why I feel compelled to continue eating this way, so I thought I'd start my own recovery blog. I will be blogging hopefully a couple times a week, just jotting down some thoughts, maybe some meal plans, and hopefully this will help me take better care of myself. For those of you who have not heard my story, here it is; I have always been "average". I am 5'8" and have always been a size 8 or 10. Good grief, I cannot believe I just shared that. I refuse to share my weight, because I am doing my best not to focus on that. :) Before my wedding, I lost 20 pounds and was down to a size 4/5...yeah. I lost the weight the "right" way by exercising and eating better. It took me over a year to achieve this. Here is me and the Hubs on our wedding day!
However, 5 months after I married my high school sweetheart, I found out I was pregnant! While pregnant with my first son, I gained 50 pounds. I ate and ate and ate, having no idea the weight wouldn't magically come off after I had my son. There was no reason for me to gain 50 pounds.  Here's a pic...yep.  Look at that.  I went way overbored!
So when my son was 8 months old and I was struggling to lose the last 10 pounds, I started something I never thought I would do. After overeating, I would make myself purge (throw up). I found it so hard to get back into the routine of not eating so much. After all I had been used to eating as much and whatever I wanted while pregnant. I felt lost. Feeling completely out of control of your own body is an awful place to be. The thing is, I looked great. I had a bit of a baby belly, but good grief, I had just given birth 8 months before! I was just too self-conscious that I freaked out. Here is me and my little man on my first Mother's Day.  See?  I was pretty much back to being my old self, yet I still freaked out....*sigh*
I needed to see that pre-baby weight number on the scale. I found out I was pregnant again soon after my first son turned 1.  So, eating wasn't an issue anymore because I was pregnant again.  I will say that I tried to be more mindful the second time around and only gained 30 lbs!  Much better this time around....

However, shortly after second son was born and the weight was not falling off nearly as fast as after my first son, I found myself purging again.  I went to a counselor and she told me I did not have an eating disorder and just needed to eat better.  So, she put me on a diet.  Um...yea.  I may not have had anorexia or bulimia, but I definitely had some issues going on with eating.  Now overeating and binge eating are considered eating disorders, so I know I'm not crazy.  Fast forward a few years and I have yet to see that number on the scale. I still struggle with overeating and I'm ashamed of this, and I'm working on getting past it. I'm trying to see myself as a beautiful woman, no matter what size I am. I know we’re not all made the same, and I will never be a size 2, nor do I want to be. I want to find the beauty in ME, not base my beauty on a number or a size.  Here is a recent picture of me and my precious boys this summer.  We were in my brother in law's wedding, how fun!

I need to embrace myself, know that I am a Child of God first and foremost, and see myself through his eyes.  After all, God created me, flaws and all.  Thanks for reading and here's to a better acceptance of myself!  Until next time.....


  1. Jill, you are so refreshingly honest. I have struggled with my weight pre, during, and I'm sure, after my pregnancy. It is nice to know I am not alone and there are people out there to talk to. Thank you for sharing.

  2. You are a BEAUTIFUL person, inside and out. I've always been grateful that I have a friend like you. I love you!

  3. @Sarah, thank you so much!!! Isn't it amazing how many people struggling with this there actually are? I mean, it's so very sad, but astounding when you think about the number of people!

    @Claire, I am so grateful for you as well my dear! muah!